Irrational
by Ms.Kristen
Summary: Cuddy is left alone to deal with her feelings when House is about to die. A bit OC and the ending is sappy but I like it. Rated for language. This is my first House fanfic.


Lisa Cuddy sat at her desk, idly looking out the window as she listened to the monotone voice on the other end of the phone. She hated listening to the stories potential donors told as to why they were willing to give her hospital millions of dollars but it was part of her job. She let her mind wander, every now and then acknowledging the person on the other line to let them know she was still there, still listening.

Cuddy watched a squirrel race across a tree branch as she heard the police scanner begin to make noise in her office. She generally kept it at a low volume while she worked but she was still able to her the dispatcher direct a trauma to her E.R. Cuddy paid little attention to the news, seeing as this was an everyday occurrence and continued listening to the one sided conversation.

The late afternoon sun began to warm her office and shined brightly in forcing Cuddy to turn away from the window. She noticed the nurses beginning to scurry around and figured that the trauma must have arrived. Seeing a possible escape to the never ending phone call, Cuddy told the potential donor that there was an emergency that needed her attention and after thanking him once again for his donation she quickly hung up the phone.

Cuddy checked her watch. 5:30pm. She should have left half an hour ago like any other self respecting Dean of Medicine. If she didn't leave now, she wouldn't be home in time to feed Rachel her dinner. Cuddy knew that her daughter was being raised by the nanny but Cuddy took pride in trying to establish a family ritual of always having dinner together hoping it would partially make up for so much of the time that she spent at the hospital.

Her desk was clear and Cuddy's keys were in her hand when Dr. Cameron came busting through the door. Cuddy stood starring at Cameron for a moment, scrutinizing her appearance. Her face was red and her eyes were blotchy. Cameron was sweating and appeared to be breathing hard from her run from the emergency room. Cuddy stood looking at Cameron impatiently, waiting for her to speak. Cameron composed herself long enough to state two words.

"It's House."

*********************************************************

The E.R. was a mad house as doctors and nurses ran around treating patients. Cuddy had followed Cameron through the crowded room without asking questions. She could tell by Cameron's demeanor that something was wrong and it wasn't a complaint about House being House. Finally, the two women stopped short in front of the bed that seemed to be gathering the most attention from the medical staff.

"What happened?" asked Cuddy but Cameron wasn't able to speak. Cameron stared down at the man she had once loved, the one who had once been her mentor and her eyes swelled with tears again. Cuddy turned to the nearest attendant and demanded an answer. A young doctor holding a clipboard and recording vital signs finally answered her.

"Yes maim," he began, checking his clipboard again. "Caucasian male, John Doe…."

"I keep telling you, he's not a John Doe!" interrupted Cameron sternly, finally able to speak. "It's Dr. House." She turned to face Cuddy. "There was a six car pile up on the turn pike." She looked down again at House who was almost unrecognizable as the doctors continued to work on him. "The police report says that House's bike was in the middle of it all."

Cuddy looked around the emergency room and realized that the other doctors who were scurrying around were actually taking care of the other crash victims. There had to be ten other people on stretchers in the emergency including children, not to mention the family and friends who had begun to gather but all Cuddy could focus on was the man in the bed before her.

"Where is his team?" Cuddy asked looking at Cameron.

"They have been paged."

"And Wilson," Cuddy continued, not taking her eyes off of House "Does he know yet?"

"He knows," Cameron answered as Wilson came rushing into the E.R., his face white with horror.

"How is he?" Wilson asked when he met his two colleagues. Before Cuddy or Cameron could answer the emergency room doctor spoke up.

"He is currently stable." He said as the nurses began preparing the patient for transfer. "We are moving him to the ICU." The doctors quickly pushed the bed out of the emergency room. Wilson and Cameron hurried to keep up with them as Cuddy stayed rooted in her spot. Wilson turned around and gave her a questioning look, beckoning her to follow. Cuddy just shook her head.

"I can't." Cuddy whispered as if unsure her voice would work. She turned away from Wilson, leaving him staring at her questioningly as she headed back to her office.

***********************************************************

Cuddy sat staring at the desk in her office. Her fingers traced the grains of the wood, drawing meaningless shapes, letting her mind travel back to the memory the origin of the desk. How her med school desk had suddenly appeared in her newly refurbished office when it was suppose to be in storage with her mother. The only person who know about the desk was House, and although she had never asked him about it or even thanked him, Cuddy knew that he was the one who had arranged for its arrival.

Seeing House lying in that state had triggered something in Cuddy's brain that she couldn't understand. It wasn't a sudden realization that she had feelings for him, no there was too much sexual tension between them for her not to have considered her relationship with him a long time ago. Seeing House had changed her as a person. Cuddy couldn't think like a doctor when he was the patient. Her irrational brain had taken over and all she could think about was the man that she cared for.

One by one members of House's team had stopped by her office to keep her informed of his condition. Swelling of the temporal lobe caused by trauma had been the diagnosis. There had been no change in the last few hours, House was still unconscious and unresponsive.

Foreman had entered the office first, stated House's condition and then moved on to discuss other hospital matters. He had taken over the case that House had currently been working on and wanted to discuss a risky procedure that needed to be done. Cuddy had given him permission without really listening to him. With Foreman, it wouldn't be anything too outrageous. Taub and Thirteen had entered next but this was just to tell her that there had been no change and to make sure she was doing all right. Cuddy had laughed and waved them off telling them that she had a hospital to run and couldn't be focused on one patient.

The truth was that she wasn't all right, Cuddy was falling to pieces. The hospital could have burned down around her and she wouldn't have noticed as she agonized over every minute of her and House's relationship. She would dwell on the moments of chance he and she had shared where for a brief second it looked as if they were meant to be. Cuddy thought back to the moments when she wanted to tell him how she felt but had been put off by his nasty temperament. A knock at the door interrupted Cuddy from her thoughts.

"Can I come in?" Wilson asked as he poked his head through the door.

"Yes," answered Cuddy swiftly as she tried to look busy. Wilson entered the room and sat in the chair across from Cuddy. He watched her for several moments before finally speaking.

"Why are you in here?" Wilson asked.

"Because I have a hospital to run." Cuddy answered, not looking up from her work.

"That's not why you are in here." Wilson reached across the desk and touched Cuddy's hand. She quickly pulled it away. "You are in here because you are hiding."

"I am doing no such thing," said Cuddy, still not meeting Wilson's eyes. "I have a lot of work that needs to get done. Why aren't you with him?"

"Cameron and Chase are with him now. I need to know what's wrong with you." Wilson walked around the desk and placed his hand on Cuddy's shoulder. "Last time House was in the hospital, you slept in a chair at his bedside. You wouldn't leave and this time you won't go anywhere near him." Wilson pulled up Cuddy's chin to look into her eyes. He saw that they were starting to brim with tears. "What changed?" Cuddy pushed herself way from Wilson as she jumped up from her desk chair.

"Nothing's changed," Cuddy practically yelled across the same office. "I want to be with him, but I can't." Cuddy stood up and began to pace around the room. Wilson followed her before finally grabbing her shoulders and forcing her to look at him.

"What are you talking about?' Wilson asked, slightly shaking her small frame.

"It was different last time, all right?" Cuddy said, still trying to free herself from Wilson's tight grip. "Last time, I knew the medicine. I knew what was going to happen." Cuddy stopped struggling against Wilson and went limp as her eyes fell to the ground. "I knew he was going to be fine."

"He is going to be fine this time."

"DON'T DO THAT!' shrieked Cuddy. "Don't treat me like I am some ordinary family member. I know how bad it is. I know what the odds are." Cuddy spun around to face him. "Damn it, Wilson, three of the other crash victims have already died." Cuddy walked over to the small sofa that sat in her office and collapsed, burying her face in her hands. "God Damn bastard and his fucking motorcycle." Wilson went and sat next to Cuddy on the couch. He looked at her face and noticed that tears had began to run through the fingers that covered her eyes. Wilson put his hand lightly on Cuddy's thigh.

"I don't know what is going on between the two of you anymore but I do know this," Cuddy looked up as Wilson spoke. "If something does happen to House and you aren't with him to say goodbye you will never be able to forgive yourself." Wilson patted her leg and then stood and left the office. Cuddy watched him go thinking over what he had said.

******************************************************

"This can't be right," Thirteen said as she looked over a chart.

"You just don't want it to be right," answered Foreman, rubbing her back. "It doesn't look like House is going to wake up."

"There must be something else we can do," said Taub as he looked as his boss through the ICU window.

"Like what?" answered Foreman. He watched Wilson who was sitting next to House, looking over him like a brother. "Medically there is nothing left to do."

"Maybe we should pray," suggested Taub. This suggestion caused a small smile to appear on Thirteen's lips.

"Yeah, House would love that." She said, putting the chart down. "Guess what, House, when medicine failed you, God came to your rescue."

"He wouldn't want us to pray for him," Foreman agreed.

"Fine then," said Taub. "I'm not praying for him, I am praying for a miracle." Taub turned and left Foreman and Thirteen to watch Wilson's vigil.

*********************************************************

It was late in the evening when Cuddy finally emerged from her office. She had waited for most of the hospital staff and clinic patients to leave so that no one would notice her red eyes. She had been at the hospital ever since House had arrived, over thirty six hours earlier. Cuddy was glad that she had decided to hire a live in nanny long ago so she didn't have to worry about Rachel being taken care of.

Cuddy walked down the long hallways of her hospital until she reached the ICU. Through the window she watched as Wilson sat next to House's bed. Wilson looked broken, like a man who had nothing left to lose. He sat back in his chair with his hand over his eyes as if he were trying to sleep. Cuddy tapped lightly on the glass. Wilson looked up and seeing her, came out to the hallway.

"How is he?' Cuddy asked.

"Not good," answered Wilson rubbing his eyes. "Maybe a few more hours. I have to call his mother. She will need to consent to pulling the plug."

"Pull the plug?" Cuddy asked suddenly meeting Wilson's glaze full on. "You can't be giving up already."

"Lisa," Wilson began touching her shoulder, "Its been thirty six hours with no change. The chances of him waking up…"

"But there is still a chance," Cuddy interrupted. "We don't do anything drastic till we know for sure."

"You are letting your feelings for House cloud your medical judgment."

"So what if I am," Cuddy yelled, anger flashing in her eyes. Wilson stepped away from her as a new shade of grief washed across his face. Cuddy softened her expression. "You should go home, James. You need to get some sleep."

"I don't want him to die alone." Wilson looked over his shoulder at his unconscious friend.

"I'll stay with him." answered Cuddy. Wilson watched her for a moment before giving her a small nod. He reached out and squeezed her hand before heading towards the elevator. Cuddy watched him walk away before heading into House's room and taking Wilson's seat.

*************************************************************

Moonlight filled the darkened room as Cuddy sat holding House's hand. A nurse had come in a few hours earlier and had tried to turn on the lights but Cuddy had ordered her out. It was easier for her to focus her thoughts in the dark and felt more vulnerable in the light. It was a good metaphor for their entire relationship. Moments of honesty and intimacy hiding in the dark and disappearing when the lights came on. Besides, she liked the way the moonlight caressed his face, highlighting his cheekbones and casting a shadow over the stubble on his jaw making it appear darker. The different shades gave life to his face that the hours in the hospital had taken away.

She had spent the hours in silence, trying to think of the right thing to say. If this were to be her last conversation with this man then she needed it to have meaning. Cuddy had tried to start speaking a hundred times but each time was too choked up by her own tears she had to stop. She was so conflicted, so torn, that she didn't know what to do. She hated House. She hated the way he treated her, his team, his patients. She hated that he had no regards for anyone else or their feelings. She hated that he was brilliant. She hated the way he made her feel when his gaze would linger a little too long or his hand would brush against her sending a shiver up her spine. She hated him for making her hate herself and all the things she had left unsaid. She hated him for dying.

That's why she loved him. House was the only person who could make her feel such passion, such emotion. As much as he pissed her off, he still made her smile. Cuddy couldn't be with another man without thinking of House and imagining the kind of relationship they would have that was filled with such intense infatuation with each other. But Cuddy when wasn't able to put any of her thoughts into words, she cried again. It was when the sun was finally starting to rise and she knew that her time with him was running out that Cuddy was able to speak.

"House," even on his deathbed, Cuddy couldn't call him Greg, 'you stupid son of a bitch, I told you that motorcycle was a bad idea but do you ever listen?" A single tear slid down her face. "Look what you did to yourself. This is all your fault." Cuddy sniffed and wiped away the tear before grabbing his hand tighter. "You are making me sit here and cry over you, over all the things I never said, all the things we never did." Tears spilled faster down her face but Cuddy forced herself to say what she needed to say. "I love you, House, but I refuse to say goodbye to you. I have protected you too many times and you owe me too much for you not to say you love me too. You and I both know its true but I need to hear it from your lips." Cuddy broke down in anger sobs and cried herself to sleep resting her head on House's chest.

************************************************************

A nurse sat at her station, idly flipping through a magazine. From her desk she could see Dr. Cuddy resting her head next to Dr. House. She had been avoiding that room since her shift had begun. There was too much emotion in a room for a man that no one seemed to like. The nurse knew that her few interactions with Dr. House had been far from pleasant. Still there must be something about him because he seems to have affected everyone who he has worked closely with. It seems that the harder he pushed to keep people out, the stronger the bond that let them in.

The buzzer on her intercom went off signally Dr. House's room. The nurse figured that Dr. Cuddy needed something so she put down her magazine and headed into the room. She was shocked to see Dr. Cuddy still asleep on House's chest and House looking at her with his crystal blue eyes. He motioned for her to come near him. The nurse walked next to House and began silently checking his vitals.

"Water." House whispered. The nurse nodded and after finishing her exam, left the room and returned a few minutes later with a small pitcher of water and a cup. She set the items on the tray in front of House and then left the room to call Dr. Wilson. House, careful not to move the sleeping women on his chest, poured a small amount of water in the tiny cup. He took a sip, enjoying the feel of the cool liquid running down his throat. He set the cup down on the tray and dipped his fingers into the water and splashed the droplets of water on Cuddy's face. As she began to stir, House dipped his fingers in the water again, this time splashing bigger drops of water on her face. Cuddy sat up and rubbed her eyes.

"If I had known that all I had to do was nearly die to get you to sleep with me, I would have done it sooner." House mocked in a hushed tone. Cuddy looked at House between her hands and let out a gasp in surprise.

"You woke up." Cuddy said excitedly.

"Of course I did," House answered nonchalantly, "You didn't expect me to die without you saying goodbye, did you?" Cuddy's hands flew up to her mouth in shock.

"You heard all of that?"

"I sure did," House said, a wicked smile spreading across his face, "By the way, it takes some balls to call a dying guy in a come a son of a bitch. I was impressed."

"Well I thought jack ass was a little to harsh." Cuddy countered, smiling.

"Whatever, it was more interesting that anything anyone else had to say." Excitement flashed in his eyes as he took Cuddy's hand. She leaned in closer. "As for the other thing you said, I don't owe you anything."

"You don't think so?" Cuddy asked trying to pull away but House kept a tight grip on her hand.

"No, I don't." he smiled again. "It's not my fault that you are under the delusion that I love you."

"I know you love me," Cuddy answered, enjoying their banter.

"Even still, what do I get for admitting it?"

"What do you want?" Cuddy asked suggestively.

"Six hours off of clinic duty." House smiled at the disgusted look on Cuddy's face.

"What?"

"Six hours off clinic duty and I will admit that I love you." House laughed as Cuddy finally managed to pull her hand free from his.

"You are a jack ass." Cuddy said, trying to stay mad at him. "Fine, you can have the time off clinic, we will call if part of your recovery."

"Fine, then I love you." said House. Cuddy smiled and reached down to kiss House lightly on the lips. "So is it time for my sponge bath yet?" Cuddy laughed as she felt another tear slide down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away and rested her head on his chest again.

"Now that your awake, I doubt I can get a nurse in here." Cuddy laughed. House put his arm around Cuddy and both doctors fell asleep in the beams of the early morning sun.


End file.
